Forever My Heartbeat…

“I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Todryk, but Twin B does not have a heartbeat…”

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Those words will haunt me forever. If ever there was a pain so profound, so dark and so terrifying that you could almost feel it physically; that was what I was experiencing, as I laid there in that dark ultrasound room. In that moment, everything around me started spinning and I felt my lungs collapsing. I swear I had that poor ultrasound tech look for a heartbeat about 20 times. She finally put the doppler down said “I’m sorry” and left the room. I suppose you forget how difficult their job can be on them too, sometimes.

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). That is what the docs say took Joshua from me. He wasn’t getting his share of nutrients and blood flow to keep him alive. My body seemed to have failed him. And while the events of March 17th, 2015 were extremely difficult, it was the reality of my deep dark secret that was starting to torment me. It goes back to the day I found out I was expecting.

On December 5th 2014, I found out that I was pregnant! I was so excited that our family would have a new addition but if i’m honest, I also had a weird intuition that I was carrying twins. I can’t tell you why, but the anxiety about it was unshakeable. When I went for my very first doctor visit, my only intention was to make sure that my baby was healthy and that I was not carrying twins. Twins run in both our families and for some reason I had a nagging feeling that I was carrying multiples. I don’t know if that was intuition or paranoia, but I was determined to prove it wrong. After a couple minutes of searching around by the doctor, my biggest fear became a reality; I was carrying twins. As you can imagine, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t cry happy tears, I didn’t feel like I was blessed. Quite honestly, I felt like I was being cursed and that I was living a nightmare. Here is where my story will probably cause you to judge me as a monster. And if that’s the case, it’s okay. I have lived with those silent thoughts of myself for a long time. But here it goes…

When I left the ultrasound room that day, I went to a dark place in my mind. I hated the idea that I was carrying twins. So much so, that I wished this “curse” would go away permanently. For the next month while I lived in my state of shock, I had horrible thoughts and wished that one of the twins would just disappear and that I would miraculously only be carrying one child. I was mad at God for giving me twins and internally demanded that He fix this mistake. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was the hormones -I don’t know. But those were my evil thoughts that I prayed obsessively for a couple months.

It took about two months for the shock to dissipate and to finally embrace the reality that we would be a family of 5. Slowly, I started coming around to the idea of having two identical twin boys. I figured, I may as well embrace it than try to fight it since this would be our new reality. Who knows, maybe I would rock this “twin mom” thing. It took a while but soon I found myself getting excited about having twins and on more than one occasion would somehow end up at Target buying matching outfits for them! Target baby clothes get me every time! We named them Judah and Joshua. They would be best buds and partners in crime! We started picking out nursery colors and I found myself occasionally singing to them and praying over them. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

But God didn’t forget about those deep dark thoughts I had a few months back. He had granted my wish. I guess I had been carrying a deceased little boy in me for over a month and I didn’t find out about it until my next doctor visit on March 17th 2015.

So many questions flooded my mind like an avalanche. Did my initial wishing the boys away in my heart cause this? Do the power of words really cause death? Is He a terrible and mean God? Does He grant the desires of our heart even if they are wicked desires? Maybe I didn’t know God at all! His character came in to question and I tried to blame everyone and everything for Joshua’s death. The weight of my guilt and shame was something I knew I was going to live with forever. Maybe I really did cause this and the words “there is no heartbeat” would be my punishment to live with forever.

Somehow that day, my husband Jonathan was able to show me such incredible love and mercy and service to me when we got home that day. He took care of me in my fragile and dark state the same way Jesus would. Honestly, it was like I was literally seeing Jesus through my husband and there wasn’t much denying that perhaps the Father was trying to console me. It brought some relief. Just enough relief to get out of bed and eat a few bites of food and read through the Book of Psalms. For a month straight, I did not leave my house or see any other humans. I just read the bible and listened to the song “Reason to Sing” by All Sons and Daughters on repeat all day every day. It was all I could do to keep from drowning in my pain.
When I finally decided to forgive myself, I was able to see more clearly that I had fallen victim to a lie and into a trap. I am not strong enough to talk God into doing anything. I can’t manipulate God into doing things for me – good or bad.

The truth is, He had a purpose for Joshua’s short life and has a purpose for mine. He’s calling me to be an ambassador of truth and to help others find their purpose and healing.

Oh sis, maybe you relate to my story. Maybe you have experienced a devastating loss too or are carrying guilt and shame like I was. Perhaps you are regretting an abortion from long ago. Or maybe you have lost a child or sibling to illness or accident. Sometimes the pain seals our mouths shut and locks up our hearts so that the hurt slowly kills us inside.

Whatever the cause of your pain, I believe that there is healing for the broken, hope for the lost, forgiveness for the sinner and peace for the empty. I’m not quite sure why we as mothers and women don’t talk about our pain and grief. But perhaps if we started the conversation and let ourselves be honest, maybe that’s where we would find our healing.

Our sweet babies do have a heartbeat! We’ll carry them forever in ours. And that is why I flipped the script on the words that tried to haunt me and now I say “FOREVER, MY HEARTBEAT.”

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18-19