FEARLESS

Crazy times we are living in, huh fam?! It is a little unnerving when so much is going on and we feel like we have little to no control. I’m there with you and totally understand. One thing I have adopted; kind of like a shield, is that in the face of storms, I will be fearless. That sounds crazy right? Like, you’re staring calamity and uncertainty right in the face and you say you are fearless?! Well, being FEARLESS doesn’t mean that you don’t feel fear. It doesn’t mean you are unconcerned or ignorant. To me, it means you put your fear and the validity of your emotions in someone who is able to absorb and do something about it. Jesus.

I’m comforted in knowing that even when He stared his fate in eye and the cross was before Him – he felt deep anxiety! He was after all, human too. Yet still, He chose to put his faith in God and say “not my will but Yours”. So if you are feeling scared, worried, panicked – its ok! Take a deep breath and whisper silent prayers and trust that he is giving you everything you need for TODAY. Don’t think about tomorrow, today is just enough for you to manage. These next 24 hours is all you need to think about. Breathe in, breathe out.

Like most parts of the world – you are probably having to stay home and your kids are off school. What a wonderful opportunity for us parents to teach our children how to respond to stress and scary world events. They are watching how we react and respond. What we do today will teach them how to deal with big scary things in their lives too. Let’s choose to remain fearless. Let’s show them this week while we are all self-quarantined that though this is an unprecedented time in the world, the family unit cannot be shaken. I encourage you fam – they don’t need to know ALL the details (if they are tiny) but use wisdom in how you communicate what is going on. More than that, let’s use this time to strengthen our core. Make delicious meals together, laugh, hug a lot, let them see you pray, play board games, make art, binge watch some TV, read books, go for walks, jump in some puddles and take these next couple of weeks to be fully present.  They will remember March of 2020 years from now as the best time with family. They will also know how to respond to the chaos around them too.

I’m reminded to a different but similar time, years ago. December 31st, 1999. Oh God, remember Y2K yall!? Everyone was freaking out and in a panic. Very similar to today, grocery stores were out of food, you couldn’t find any flashlights anywhere, and there was a sense of dread roaming the streets. That was 21 years ago and I was only 12. I was old enough to feel the fear everyone was talking about was but too small to be able to do anything about it. The fears of the unknown was unsettling. Yall, I even remember my French teacher wishing us her final farewell for Christmas break incase we didn’t make it through the Y2K blackout! Nuts right?!

I’ll never forget my parents demeanor through it all and how they fielded the questions we had. “We trust God”, and that was enough to bring me back to peace. That was all I needed. To see my parents respond in faith and to know God has got us. And so, today as Jon and I field questions with our own little children, we get to tell them “We trust God.” 

If you need an extra layer of peace, read 2 Timothy 1:7 on repeat. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.” And then go ahead and quote this one too while you’re at it! John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”. 

Fam, it is all going to be ok. And to quote my parents who have and continue to build my faith even at 33 years old… “we trust God.”

*Note to add: If you are looking for a great church in the North Dallas area, we are open at Fearless House in downtown Mckinney. Follow on Facebook and IG at @fearlesshouse*

Forever My Heartbeat…

“I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Todryk, but Twin B does not have a heartbeat…”

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Those words will haunt me forever. If ever there was a pain so profound, so dark and so terrifying that you could almost feel it physically; that was what I was experiencing, as I laid there in that dark ultrasound room. In that moment, everything around me started spinning and I felt my lungs collapsing. I swear I had that poor ultrasound tech look for a heartbeat about 20 times. She finally put the doppler down said “I’m sorry” and left the room. I suppose you forget how difficult their job can be on them too, sometimes.

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). That is what the docs say took Joshua from me. He wasn’t getting his share of nutrients and blood flow to keep him alive. My body seemed to have failed him. And while the events of March 17th, 2015 were extremely difficult, it was the reality of my deep dark secret that was starting to torment me. It goes back to the day I found out I was expecting.

On December 5th 2014, I found out that I was pregnant! I was so excited that our family would have a new addition but if i’m honest, I also had a weird intuition that I was carrying twins. I can’t tell you why, but the anxiety about it was unshakeable. When I went for my very first doctor visit, my only intention was to make sure that my baby was healthy and that I was not carrying twins. Twins run in both our families and for some reason I had a nagging feeling that I was carrying multiples. I don’t know if that was intuition or paranoia, but I was determined to prove it wrong. After a couple minutes of searching around by the doctor, my biggest fear became a reality; I was carrying twins. As you can imagine, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t cry happy tears, I didn’t feel like I was blessed. Quite honestly, I felt like I was being cursed and that I was living a nightmare. Here is where my story will probably cause you to judge me as a monster. And if that’s the case, it’s okay. I have lived with those silent thoughts of myself for a long time. But here it goes…

When I left the ultrasound room that day, I went to a dark place in my mind. I hated the idea that I was carrying twins. So much so, that I wished this “curse” would go away permanently. For the next month while I lived in my state of shock, I had horrible thoughts and wished that one of the twins would just disappear and that I would miraculously only be carrying one child. I was mad at God for giving me twins and internally demanded that He fix this mistake. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was the hormones -I don’t know. But those were my evil thoughts that I prayed obsessively for a couple months.

It took about two months for the shock to dissipate and to finally embrace the reality that we would be a family of 5. Slowly, I started coming around to the idea of having two identical twin boys. I figured, I may as well embrace it than try to fight it since this would be our new reality. Who knows, maybe I would rock this “twin mom” thing. It took a while but soon I found myself getting excited about having twins and on more than one occasion would somehow end up at Target buying matching outfits for them! Target baby clothes get me every time! We named them Judah and Joshua. They would be best buds and partners in crime! We started picking out nursery colors and I found myself occasionally singing to them and praying over them. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

But God didn’t forget about those deep dark thoughts I had a few months back. He had granted my wish. I guess I had been carrying a deceased little boy in me for over a month and I didn’t find out about it until my next doctor visit on March 17th 2015.

So many questions flooded my mind like an avalanche. Did my initial wishing the boys away in my heart cause this? Do the power of words really cause death? Is He a terrible and mean God? Does He grant the desires of our heart even if they are wicked desires? Maybe I didn’t know God at all! His character came in to question and I tried to blame everyone and everything for Joshua’s death. The weight of my guilt and shame was something I knew I was going to live with forever. Maybe I really did cause this and the words “there is no heartbeat” would be my punishment to live with forever.

Somehow that day, my husband Jonathan was able to show me such incredible love and mercy and service to me when we got home that day. He took care of me in my fragile and dark state the same way Jesus would. Honestly, it was like I was literally seeing Jesus through my husband and there wasn’t much denying that perhaps the Father was trying to console me. It brought some relief. Just enough relief to get out of bed and eat a few bites of food and read through the Book of Psalms. For a month straight, I did not leave my house or see any other humans. I just read the bible and listened to the song “Reason to Sing” by All Sons and Daughters on repeat all day every day. It was all I could do to keep from drowning in my pain.
When I finally decided to forgive myself, I was able to see more clearly that I had fallen victim to a lie and into a trap. I am not strong enough to talk God into doing anything. I can’t manipulate God into doing things for me – good or bad.

The truth is, He had a purpose for Joshua’s short life and has a purpose for mine. He’s calling me to be an ambassador of truth and to help others find their purpose and healing.

Oh sis, maybe you relate to my story. Maybe you have experienced a devastating loss too or are carrying guilt and shame like I was. Perhaps you are regretting an abortion from long ago. Or maybe you have lost a child or sibling to illness or accident. Sometimes the pain seals our mouths shut and locks up our hearts so that the hurt slowly kills us inside.

Whatever the cause of your pain, I believe that there is healing for the broken, hope for the lost, forgiveness for the sinner and peace for the empty. I’m not quite sure why we as mothers and women don’t talk about our pain and grief. But perhaps if we started the conversation and let ourselves be honest, maybe that’s where we would find our healing.

Our sweet babies do have a heartbeat! We’ll carry them forever in ours. And that is why I flipped the script on the words that tried to haunt me and now I say “FOREVER, MY HEARTBEAT.”

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18-19